Thursday, January 20, 2005

what is it?

How can you find someone to talk to? Someone who you can tell stuff to and they know what you are thinking. What is a quirk? I guess one is that I can't stand it when people show off. I have never been able to do it so I guess that is what bothers me most about people. They are always trying to get in the spotlight. Trying to impress a teacher or show people that they can do something better than anyone else. I hate it when two people get into a competition about who has done the better thing and who has done the most impressive thing. Or maybe the competition is in me. I have a problem with jealousy. I envy everyone I see and I need to stop doing that. God has blessed me so much and all I can do is look around me and see what I don't have. I imagine people are trying to show off when they are really doing what they do. They are not purposely doing it. I just see that they do it very well and get envious and then think that they have the wrong motives in their heart. It is really my heart that is screwed up. I really need to get away from people. I just end up disappointing them or hurting them. I want what they have and then blame them if I don't have it.

I always embarrass myself. I cannot think of a time when I wasn't doing something stupid or other. I have to say the wrong thing at precisely the wrong moment. I don't have very much insight into situations. All I ever do anymore is complain, complain, complain. I must bug people nuts when they are around me. I used to be so good at hiding it when I was younger.

Who can you talk to? No one. I don't know what I would do without God. Probably kill myself if I could find a way. How can He make me into anything? But He is God and He can do anything so I need to shut up and
listen to what he has to say.

No hiding from...she walked up the stairs and down the hallway feeling a hollowness in her stomach and a lump of tears rising in her throat. She unlocked the door and flipped on the light as her head started to
pound. Why do I have to act like this? she accused. I am so dumb. I bring cursing down on everyone around me. Tears streamed down her face as the pounding turned to a throb. No lies now...I have to tell the truth.
Because the truth is supposed to set you free right?


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