What's it worth?
Every once in a while it gets pounded into my brain that I’m not worth very much. I know that I’m worth nothing in the grand scheme of things. I am just a servant, sent to serve my neighbor. But is it wrong to want to feel like I’m worth something to somebody? Anybody? Is it wrong to want to feel like I am useful to someone? But this seems to contradict my knowledge that I am nothing. Maybe I’m just trying to hide from the fact that I can never really be worth anything to anybody except God. He is the only one who would be willing to pay anything for me.
Maybe I just want people to affirm my sense of self all the time. I can believe that I am that selfish. I have always wanted friends. I just thought that it was because I didn’t want to be lonely or so I could have someone to talk to. Well, God has blessed me with friends, but I can’t talk to any of them. I know that it is mostly my fault when it comes to that. I hide behind the excuse that I don’t know how to talk to people about personal things. I get scared because I think that they will either use it against me or that they will see what kind of person I really am and then leave me.
I am caught in this paradox. I don’t want to be alone. Just the thought of people leaving me sends me into despair. But I also can’t connect with the people that are around me. And the worst part is that it’s my fault. I stick to my pride like a barnacle to a rock. I can’t discuss things that would embarrass me because then I would be exposed and taking the risk that people would really see who I am: a dirty cripple, blackened by sin. And no matter how much I tell myself or am told that all people are that way…I still feel like I am the worst and that real people wouldn’t want to have anything to do with me.
The clincher is that on good days I will be feeling like things are going ok, but then something will just hit me like a freight train. It could be anything, but it speaks out to me and says that I am just an insignificant little speck in the universe and why would people even want to know me? What have I to contribute to their lives? I would like to think that I could have an impact on someone’s life, but that’s just not going to happen. But that is precisely the problem. I want it to be all about me. There are way too many I’s in the way I think. My selfishness wants to turn people into objects so that they can make me feel important. I mean…look at all the people out there who are suffering bodily danger every day and here’s me worrying about whether I matter or not. But is any of this even making sense anymore? I better quit ranting.
Maybe I just want people to affirm my sense of self all the time. I can believe that I am that selfish. I have always wanted friends. I just thought that it was because I didn’t want to be lonely or so I could have someone to talk to. Well, God has blessed me with friends, but I can’t talk to any of them. I know that it is mostly my fault when it comes to that. I hide behind the excuse that I don’t know how to talk to people about personal things. I get scared because I think that they will either use it against me or that they will see what kind of person I really am and then leave me.
I am caught in this paradox. I don’t want to be alone. Just the thought of people leaving me sends me into despair. But I also can’t connect with the people that are around me. And the worst part is that it’s my fault. I stick to my pride like a barnacle to a rock. I can’t discuss things that would embarrass me because then I would be exposed and taking the risk that people would really see who I am: a dirty cripple, blackened by sin. And no matter how much I tell myself or am told that all people are that way…I still feel like I am the worst and that real people wouldn’t want to have anything to do with me.
The clincher is that on good days I will be feeling like things are going ok, but then something will just hit me like a freight train. It could be anything, but it speaks out to me and says that I am just an insignificant little speck in the universe and why would people even want to know me? What have I to contribute to their lives? I would like to think that I could have an impact on someone’s life, but that’s just not going to happen. But that is precisely the problem. I want it to be all about me. There are way too many I’s in the way I think. My selfishness wants to turn people into objects so that they can make me feel important. I mean…look at all the people out there who are suffering bodily danger every day and here’s me worrying about whether I matter or not. But is any of this even making sense anymore? I better quit ranting.
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