finding A

Friends are a mysterious phenonemon to me. For the better part of my growing up I asked God daily for friends. Where I grew up there was scarce opportunity and the people I lived around didn't want to be friends because my dad was a pastor. Who would want to be friends with the little preacher's kid, right? Thus I went through life all the way until high school before I found out what the concept of having a friend was. Even then, I never had any close friends.

College was where I found out what true friendship was. These friends I could go to about anything. They knew me better than my family. I am still connected to them. Although, that's relative considering they're in the U.S. and I am in Japan. Since coming here I have gotten many lessons and viewpoints on friendship. It is hard for me to make friends quickly. I take a long time to get to know and most people don't want to take the time. I think God gave me my time of close friendship in college. Now that that is over it is painful to watch others develop close relationships within a space of a month.

Two of my housemates and another friend have bonded close. Now, one of them is moving to the other side of the country and the two left are devestated. I have never seen people react this way to someone leaving. Hearing, then, their laments of how they really tried to put a relationship together only to now be separated. What was the point? they say. One of them has come to the conclusion that she will never again have any real close friends and that the leaving of this one confirms that she is alone.

I cannot begin to describe the pain hearing her say this gives me. While I try my darndest to develop relationships with these people they are already bonding with each other, being separated and declaring that they will always be alone. In essence they give up before I can even begin to get into their friendship frame of mind. Everything has to be quick and happen fast. One has to become best friends in a month if not less. I can not work that fast. Like I said, most people don't want to take the time to get to know me. They are impatient. It's like the slow child in school...while the "normal" kids are adding A to B and getting C I am still trying to figure out what A is. I have lost before I even get a good start.