sigh

I have always found it easier to let something go than to give it up. No matter what it is letting go is passive. Giving up requires conviction and is usually a whole lot more painful. But it is this giving up that God requires just for this purpose. It is not for God that I give this up. It is for me. He tells me to give it up for Him for my good. If I am attached to something so much that it is that painful to give up that's when I know I should. Some pain is good, though...I don't really know why, but I know it is.

Now, I just have to figure out how to keep living my life and not let this hang over me like a pall. I know it will get better with time. I remember my parents talking about my brother when he went overseas. As time went on his e-mails and phone calls became less and less frequent. Although they were sad, they said this was a good sign because he was naturally drifting away from the connection. I know I would do this same thing...the problem is that I think the connection is going to be cut off before this part of my personality can happen. And hey, maybe that's the way it should be. I know I eventually drift in any relationship and I hate it but it's just the pattern I've seen in my life in the past and, well, change is good, right?

I think I'm an all-or-nothing person and when I can't give my all I can't give anything. I have been trying to change this and I think some things are happening but it is turning into a long and painful process. I think I'll always be in the beginning stages of being a believer. I can't ever seem to get past (not that anyone really does) the basic selfish always thinking about myself stage. It's usually when I'm right in the middle of something like that when I miss something else really crutial and important that happens around me. I think I caught it today...although nothing really critical happened, but I did manage to swoop out of my mood...barely. People are starting to take the advice I gave them about what to do with me when I become like this.