A City

Sundays were either bright, cheery and grace-filled or dark, damp and laden with the Law. Today was a Sunday of the latter kind though there was a strange note of grace in the air.

The dark days of winter were bearing down faster than ever before. The cold winds of October had been blowing since September. Eager, it seemed, to bring death upon this part of the world. Cast out from the other side of the earth where spring was emerging in flower-clad fields, the winds mourned with hollow voices over Tokyo. Just as One once cried "Woe!" over another great city.

Could she feel it? Could she hear the heart beats of those who yearned to turn her face to the Almighty LORD?

Like a massive weight holding the country down, Tokyo groans in pain and despair. Her cries echoing across the sea onto seemingly deaf ears.

Where was her Savior? The rising sun of her heart? She forever looks east yet sees only a frozen expanse of blue meeting blue.

Keep looking, Beloved! Your Light will come! The Morning Star will rise in your hearts! He is coming soon to gather those who are lost. To turn cries of despair into laughter. To change dark countenances into tears of joy!

Soon all will fall silent; the trains, the wind, the people, before the day of the LORD. All will turn their faces and wait in expectation for the One.

pain

in a place where there are few candles
Your Son must come
this is the land of the rising sun yet there is no hope. there is no joy. there is no rising. there is only setting and darkness. there are only black, cold fields and hollow wind. the people walk about with a deep, gaunt ache in their eyes. a yearning after something more. a longing for the sunrise. a longing for love. true love.

Lord, Your love is the only thing that sustains and gives me hope when i hear this news. Your love is the only thing that saves me. that keeps me from succumbing to the hopelessness and despair i feel at hearing of one life taken.

i cannot imagine such despair. such a hurt that goes deeper than i'll ever know. something that connects to the sin inside and magnifies the mirror i look into so i can see every spot, every blemish. i cannot imagine being in such a place and having the devil twist and crush even more.

Abba, You love them. every single one of them. and i know that Your heart broke the second that man stepped in front of the train. the minute anna's toes found the cold water rushing over them.

here there are no rainbows, no strings to remind You of them. i know that You remember and Your heart weeps at the pain they left behind. that You are calling, yearning to rescue those who have not gone all the way yet.

Abba, sooner or later everyone falls in love. if we are here with Your light inside us Your love also will flow out and when You work through us in such a way we are never the same. even imperceptive changes on the outside move mountains on the inside.

having feelings sucks...but it's worse when they're not there

Why have feelings?
Why hidden feelings?
Feelings are meant to be shown. So others can know who we are and understand us.

Why have Joy if you can't express it?
Why have Sadness if you can't cry?
And Love if there is no one to share it with?

Who can measure the worth of feelings?
Anyone who feels them, of course.

But who can measure the worth of feelings expressed?

Feelings that effect others when shared.
That spread from face to face ... eye to eye.

Feelings that multiply tears in sorrow on sorrow
That reflect a smile in every dimple.

Love that grows with every sacrifice
...every thought conveyed..

Yes…feelings are precious but why do we hide them so? Why are we afraid to affect those around us?

gdop

You love the world
And we hated You

You turned Your cheek
And we struck it and killed You

You rose in glory
We scoffed in disbelief

You performed signs and wonders
We explained them away with science

You created
We destroyed

You reached out
We pushed away

You called us home
Our ears were deaf

You spoke peace and comfort
Our tongues, dry with dust, dripped sarcasm and death

You demanded justice and righteousness
We stumbled and fell

Our bodies became weak and broken. Decaying into dust, we cried for water.
We sank deep into the mud and could not escape the quicksand. Our lives were a
breath; chaff blown away in the wind.

Then You, the Son of Righteousness, Goodness and Mercy arose. You spread Your wings, glimmering like the dawn; like dew drops in the sun. In Your strength and power and might You came down. You came down to love us. To call us back to You. To refine and purify us through the fire.

Like a great, soaring eagle You fly: the Spirit of freedom. Endless, boundless, overflowing joy. Our cups run over and we are so full to bursting of You. Your Word is a fire in our mouths. Like burning coals, a sharp double-edged sword. Your Law is etched on our hearts and our names are engraved on Your palms. Forever we will be free. Forever we shall love. Forever we will soar.

vicious cycle

I have been learning recently just how completely God is sufficient for me. About how he is all I need and should want. It has been rather painful but not... in a despairing way -- in a growing way. I see old ties and strings that are attached to the things of this world and have to sever them. I am learning how to live a life "hidden in Christ." It is hard when I have been living my life in the world and am used to being attached to worldly things.

At the moment, though, sabotage is the name of the game. I just can't seem to shake destroying every single one of my relationships all in the name of keeping them.

sigh

I have always found it easier to let something go than to give it up. No matter what it is letting go is passive. Giving up requires conviction and is usually a whole lot more painful. But it is this giving up that God requires just for this purpose. It is not for God that I give this up. It is for me. He tells me to give it up for Him for my good. If I am attached to something so much that it is that painful to give up that's when I know I should. Some pain is good, though...I don't really know why, but I know it is.

Now, I just have to figure out how to keep living my life and not let this hang over me like a pall. I know it will get better with time. I remember my parents talking about my brother when he went overseas. As time went on his e-mails and phone calls became less and less frequent. Although they were sad, they said this was a good sign because he was naturally drifting away from the connection. I know I would do this same thing...the problem is that I think the connection is going to be cut off before this part of my personality can happen. And hey, maybe that's the way it should be. I know I eventually drift in any relationship and I hate it but it's just the pattern I've seen in my life in the past and, well, change is good, right?

I think I'm an all-or-nothing person and when I can't give my all I can't give anything. I have been trying to change this and I think some things are happening but it is turning into a long and painful process. I think I'll always be in the beginning stages of being a believer. I can't ever seem to get past (not that anyone really does) the basic selfish always thinking about myself stage. It's usually when I'm right in the middle of something like that when I miss something else really crutial and important that happens around me. I think I caught it today...although nothing really critical happened, but I did manage to swoop out of my mood...barely. People are starting to take the advice I gave them about what to do with me when I become like this.

finding A

Friends are a mysterious phenonemon to me. For the better part of my growing up I asked God daily for friends. Where I grew up there was scarce opportunity and the people I lived around didn't want to be friends because my dad was a pastor. Who would want to be friends with the little preacher's kid, right? Thus I went through life all the way until high school before I found out what the concept of having a friend was. Even then, I never had any close friends.

College was where I found out what true friendship was. These friends I could go to about anything. They knew me better than my family. I am still connected to them. Although, that's relative considering they're in the U.S. and I am in Japan. Since coming here I have gotten many lessons and viewpoints on friendship. It is hard for me to make friends quickly. I take a long time to get to know and most people don't want to take the time. I think God gave me my time of close friendship in college. Now that that is over it is painful to watch others develop close relationships within a space of a month.

Two of my housemates and another friend have bonded close. Now, one of them is moving to the other side of the country and the two left are devestated. I have never seen people react this way to someone leaving. Hearing, then, their laments of how they really tried to put a relationship together only to now be separated. What was the point? they say. One of them has come to the conclusion that she will never again have any real close friends and that the leaving of this one confirms that she is alone.

I cannot begin to describe the pain hearing her say this gives me. While I try my darndest to develop relationships with these people they are already bonding with each other, being separated and declaring that they will always be alone. In essence they give up before I can even begin to get into their friendship frame of mind. Everything has to be quick and happen fast. One has to become best friends in a month if not less. I can not work that fast. Like I said, most people don't want to take the time to get to know me. They are impatient. It's like the slow child in school...while the "normal" kids are adding A to B and getting C I am still trying to figure out what A is. I have lost before I even get a good start.

lost

I don’t have a story to tell. I’m not a great orator. I’ve never had an original thought in my head. But God can use me. I’ve never suffered physical pain for the Gospel. I don’t have green hair and I go to work every day. But God can use me. I’m not a great sinner but I have great Sin. No one admires me. I’m the lowest of the low. White people won’t sit next to me. But God can use me. I’m not a flowery person. I don’t smile a lot. I’ve never received a revelation. But God can use me.
And when the Father uses me, that’s when I can smile. When the Spirit uses me, his is my orator. Because Jesus loves me he will use me. Without God I am useless. Without God I am human. With God I am still human-but I am used. And I am loved. I am a part.